:/

I’ve been gone from sl for a while. Things in rl have been pretty, hmm I’m not sure what to call it or how to describe it. For those of you who might read this, if anyone does. I’ve been plagued by agoraphobia for the last 5 years.

agoraphobia [ag-er-uhfoh-bee-uh]

noun, Psychiatry.

1.

an abnormal fear of being in crowds, public places, or open areas, sometimes accompanied by anxiety attacks.
This keeps me inside my house the majority of the time. I don’t know what caused it, I only know it hit me quickly and has impacted my life horribly. People who are close to me already know about it. Right before my break from sl, I started seeing a psychologist to learn how to work my way through this. It’s hard, it’s extensive, and my doctor says it could take a long time to get to a point where I may live normally. I can’t tell you enough how much I wish I could be normal. I hope for the day when I get up, get ready, walk out of my house and just live my life without this anxiety.
I wonder if I could explain what happens in my head when the thought of going out into the world even flashes in my mind. My heart races, images of all sorts of things rush through my head, I lose my breath, my whole body just goes into overload. I am completely overwhelmed when thinking about being engaged by someone socially. I feel like I have to play the scenarios in my head, what will they say, what will they do, what should I say or do back? I have decided several times that I want to get out of the house and do something normal…go to a bookstore or a restaurant…then the time comes and I’m so overstimulated in my head that I just can’t bring myself to go out the door. The therapist told me that our ultimate goal would be for me to be able to go back to work. Another goal is for me to be able to go to a store alone… Alone……I’ve not been able to do that for a LONG time.
I have an appointment with him again tomorrow. I’m nervous, obviously. I’ve already started to think about what I might have to talk about, what he might say, what I might have to do.

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